i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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