I'm pants shitting drunk right now
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
