dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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