I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
A bitchslap is in order.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
