I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
