I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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