dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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