mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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