its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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