My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
