I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
