have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
