Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
