my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
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