My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
