how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
