new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
they're like a gay fantastic four
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
