We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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