It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
