Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
