The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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