if only i could text you this smell
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
