maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
