Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
