I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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