I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
i think i just lost a toe
COCAINE IS GR8
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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