I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I still have a little drunk in my system
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
