my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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