Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
