Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
