K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
