You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
