I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
