UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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