You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
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