last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
