I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
