I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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