I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
