Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
