soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
