Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
