Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
