so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Randomize
