I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
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Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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