11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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