Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
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