All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Come share oat with me in your robe
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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