Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
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