why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
