So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
