smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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