I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
You made out with two different species that night
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
