His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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